Creature Feature II: Interview with the Boulder Golem

By Maximus Tuatarasmasher
Posted: September 2, 2011
Published in The Cellessian Times


Creature Feature II: Interview with the Boulder Golem

Interview with the Boulder Golem

CELLESSIA – As our readers will recall, our first Creature Feature focused on the oft maligned, ever discarded Chicken. However, the public embracing of the rooster following his heart-felt interview has demonstrated that even the least beloved of ScrumBrawl competitors within the Arena can be a celebrity outside the marble walls of battle.

We turn now to another of the Arena’s most-snubbed competitors, criticized for his utter lack of mobility by all those quick enough to elude his stony grip, which includes… well… everyone. Lacking the robust charisma of the aforementioned Chicken, little fanfare is given to the Boulder Golem among even the most hardcore fanatics of the game. When we asked the Golem’s permission for this interview, he was speechless, which we always figured he was anyway. But as he haltingly answered our first questions, new depths of this mysterious character were revealed.


MT: Thank you for taking the time to visit with us today.

BG:
Sorry it took me so long to get here.


MT: I have to start out by asking how you feel about being the slowest of all of the competitors in ScrumBrawl.


BG:
Indifferent.


MT: Would you care to elaborate?


BG:
I just do my best. Slow and steady wins the race my mother always said.


MT: Your mother? What was she like?

BG:
Mainly limestone, with varicose quartz veins on her face. She had beautiful amethyst eyes once but she was blinded in her sleep by a jewel miner.


MT: Forgive my saying so, but you are a golem, are you not? I was under the assumption that golems weren’t born, they are animated by magic.

BG:
My mother called me a “chip off the old block” which I always assumed was my lost father. But I think most of my schoolmates were animated, the Wishbone Golem and the Sandal Golem were for sure.


MT: I don’t even know what to ask next… Sandal Golem… I never knew. So you went to school?

BG:
Once.


MT: Just once? So perhaps the ScrumBrawl Field Guide is correct in its brief biography of you: “The Boulder Golem has only one thing on its mind: Moss.”

BG:
Hehe. Good one.


MT: Indeed. Well then, I take it you don’t realize that was a slur by the founders on your apparent lack of mental capacity.


BG:
Satire is what it was, and they’re entitled to it. I don’t recall submitting to an interview with them and they are just showcasing their ignorance; it doesn’t faze me.


MT: You heard it here first, the Boulder Golem calling the founders ignorant! So can you give us a bit of wisdom from your deep intellectual pool?

BG:
I didn’t say I was a deep thinker. I’m obviously not on some research team trying to discover the cure for Vampiric Rabies but my mind is more than just a foundation for parasitic greenery.


MT: The fact that you’re using three and four syllable words is, frankly, astonishing to me, as I am sure it will be—

BG:
The slow of feet and mind discussion is getting pretty old. Do you have any other questions for me that don’t pertain to neural activity or locomotion?


MT: Very well…. So what do you do to keep yourself in fitness for the weekly ScrumBrawl matches?

BG:
Nothing much, although my personal trainer has been giving me regular injections of HGH.


MT: HGH?

BG:
Hematite Granite Hardener. It’s supposed to give me courage and strength and a positive attitude.


MT: So you’re going on the record admitting the use of performance enhancing devices?


BG:
Why not? Everybody is doing it. Besides, Hematite is a natural supplement, not one of the banned substances.


MT: Are you aware of other competitors using banned PEDs?


BG:
It happens, that’s all I’m saying.


MT: Who is doing it?

BG:
I’m not giving any names.


MT: But if there are illegal activities taking place that are giving your opponents an unfair advantage, why not expose them?

BG:
We competitors have a circle of trust.


MT: And the circle of trust includes lying about illicit activity?

BG:
Grinding teeth


MT: If you know illegal activities are taking place and you do not report them, are you not a party to those actions by not reporting them?

BG:
Crunching fists


MT: I figured that you, being the laughingstock of the competitors would be the last one to try to protect—

BG:
Enough! You want a name!? I’ll give you one for your next exclusive, how’s that? Why don’t you go and look in the Pixie’s locker and see what you find! We’re done here!


MT: And as the Boulder Golem storms off… I don’t think I’ve ever seen him move that fast...

BG:
Shut up!


MT: What a thrill to get inside the big guy’s head, which looks remarkably similar to the outside. So the next time you see the Boulder Golem lumbering speedlessly across the floor of the vast arena, be happy that it is he, and not the strapping Sandal Golem representing the tribe from Tuliathu.




« return to News Listing
Site by Levant Technologies