Tabloids: The Tortured Life of a Transmuter's Wife

By Cynnamyn Bonne
Posted: November 11, 2011
Published in The Cellessian Times

The TransmuterThe Tortured Life of a Transmuter's Wife

CELLESSIA – For the typical woman in Avenbrae, life is mundane. From a day toiling at the spinning wheel, a country woman will return home to slave over bubbling cauldrons of stew and keep the children from tearing the straw out of the roof until her beloved husband comes home from the wheat field or coal mine three hours after sundown. But for Jewauna Triaggen, life is anything but routine – she is the wife Imus, the famous ScrumBrawl Transmuter.

CB: Thank you for taking the time to talk with us today. So, tell us about how you met Imus and what made you realize he was the one for you.

JT: Sure. Well, Imus and I went to school together in a drafty little shack of a place in the hills west of the Great River. There were about fifteen of us of varying ages, Imus and I were among the oldest. He was always really shy and none of us really knew anything about his family or his day-to-day life. In fact, I don’t remember ever having heard his voice until we were twelve or thirteen seasons old and he approached me with a bundle of sticks clutched in his fist. As he was trying to hand the sticks to me, I vividly remember being startled that the reclusive Imus was actually trying to talk to me and simultaneously thinking that he must not be right in the head. Why would I want a bundle of sticks? But as I was caught off guard, I reached for them and as soon as grasped the bundle, they burst into the most beautiful bouquet of exotic flowers right there in my hand.

Well of course I was smitten with him from that day forward. I found it amazing that Imus was always very secretive of his ability, making me promise that I would not tell others about it. Anyway, I kept the secret and we were married a couple of seasons later. The year after that, our first child, Willy, was born.


CB: What kind of work did your husband do to provide for your family? I assume he was able to find some use for his talent?

JT: Oh no, not at all! Believe it or not, Imus went to work in the coal mines. He hated it, as much everyone in the mines, but it was a decent wage. I remember having many long discussions with him after he would come home sooty and worn that he should use his natural ability, not hide it. But he always refused and I couldn’t understand why.


CB: But something happened to change that, right?

JT: One afternoon, Imus came home early from work. I was pregnant with our second child at the time. Imus was shaking with fear and his blackened face was wet with tears. He said we had to leave right away. I immediately bundled the baby and Imus went back outside. There was shouting and I could hear booted feet crunching up the path. I ran to the door and saw my husband like I had never seen him before. His eyes were glowing, as if they were on fire. His fists were swollen and looked like red boulders. I looked for the men who had shouted at him but I saw only three rabbits scurrying for the gate and leaping helplessly into their carriage. Three swords lay on the grass so I knew Imus was only defending himself. But I could see the look of anguish on his face over what he had done.

CB: What did you do after that happened?

JT: Well I couldn’t help but be proud of Imus. When it became obvious we were going to have to flee, he turned us into eagles and we escaped Cellessia above the clouds. We stayed along the coast until we came to the northern edge of Brelland. My husband was a changed man (no pun intended), but I believed that it was for the better. He never shared with me what happened at the mines but he seemed to have crossed a line in his own mind. While we still kept his ability secret, he used his power of transmutation much more freely after that.


CB: Can you share some examples of how he would use his ability?

JT: We never needed money again, I can tell you that. With the pebbles from the beach, he would transmute them into gems. For a home, we hollowed out a huge non-sentient tree near hills that were chock full of gem mines. Imus set up a workshop with all kinds of jeweler's tools so that if anyone came to the treehouse, they didn’t question where the polished and cut stones had come from.


CB: Was there anything bad about the power of transmutation?

JT: Laughing. I couldn’t believe the first time Imus carried through with his threat to turn our kids into pigs if they didn’t clean their room. True, we had pigs for neighbors, but it was still an extremely traumatic experience.

I also loved to cook, but more times than I can count, Imus would turn his nose up at whatever it was I served and turn it into something else… usually less nutritious. It would make me so mad when Willy and our daughter Isla would hound their father mercilessly until he would relent and turn their broccoli into chocolate cake.

The worst times would be when Imus was having a nightmare in bed beside me and I would wake up as a walrus or a gourd or an eel gasping for breath.


CB: Wow! Did you ever consider leaving your husband?

JT: Never! Smiling. Well… I must not tell a lie. There was one time Imus and I got into it pretty heavy. I had accidentally let slip to a very close friend of mine that Imus was a transmuter. I felt horrible all day and when I confessed to Imus that night what I had done, he turned me into caterpillar and sealed me in a jar. Whoo, it still chaps me to think about that. The next morning, he apologized for hours and layered promise upon promise that he would never transmute me against my will again. To this day, he has kept his word.


CB: How did word of your husband’s ability come into the public and what happened as a result of that?

JT: Well time flew past, as it is wont to do. Our kids grew up and left the tree. Imus and I decided to move back to Cellessia, which we eventually did. I think Imus’s bottled pride at his ability finally just became too much for him to contain. He put a little act together and a wonderful pauper’s disguise and he and I would travel by rickety coach from town to town performing for the children. Everyone was simply enamored with him as he folded paper into real doves and turned pebbles from the street into gold coins that he would give to the poorer kids in the audience.

His fame spread throughout Cellessia until the Queen summoned us to the imperial city to perform for her at court. That was one of the most wonderful days of our lives as he held nothing back making statues that had resided in her halls come to life and creating a crown of diamonds for Her Highness by pouring a pitcher of water into the air. Tears still come to my eyes and I think about the beauty of his performance and the sheer wonder upon the face of our beloved Queen.


CB: So with the wealth and fame that he had garnered from his ability, why did he wish to become of competitor in the game of ScrumBrawl?

JT: It was at the request of the Queen. Imus and I were frequent guests of Her Highness and one evening after a performance she invited him to compete. He hesitated, not wanting to turn down the invitation of the Queen herself and eventually relented. He has quite enjoyed the sport though he takes no greater joy than transmuting the mighty charging warriors into feathery weaklings. Unfortunately, my husband hasn’t been as quick as he should have been in a number of games this season and he has taken some pretty serious blows. It has definitely affected his skills. His strawberry milk has been pretty musky and not as fruity of late.


CB: You have been so generous with your time. I have only one more question for you. What’s with the flowers on your husband’s head?

JT: Most people attribute his flowerpot helmet and high top shoes to his eccentric nature—

CB: But what about you?

JT: Hmm. I think I’m going to have to leave this one as a sweet little mystery and say that it’s just between me and Imus.


What an amazing life this woman has led, in so many different forms. Whenever you’re in the Great Arena, you’ll find Mrs. Triaggen wincing at each play from the blue-bannered seats over the Cellessian benches, rooting her husband’s team to their next ScrumBrawl victory.



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