By Minimus Succubus
Posted: December 12, 2011
Published in The Imperia Daily Bungle


Numerous ScrumBrawl Spectator Safety Complaints:
Are they being brushed under the rug?

ScrumBrawl

Succumbing to repeated complaints being lodged in regards to spectator safety, the ScrumBrawl Gaming Authority, under direct order from Queen Margaela, has officially opened a complaint and consumer safety department.  The new department is known as the “Dept. of Nearly Tragic Brawl-Originating Traumatic Happenings Event Records.”  It was this very department that career pencil pusher Tug Plumbum found himself assigned and that the renowned journalist from the Imperia Daily Bungle, Minimus Succubus, was interviewing for her upcoming report on the dangers of watching live ScrumBrawl matches.


MS: Mr. Plumbum, do you think that there should be additional safety measures enacted to help protect the spectators at ScrumBrawl matches?

TP: Absolutely not.  There have been well over a dozen ScrumBrawl matches played to date and there have in fact been only 3 fatalities recorded outside of the playing grid.   This is an outstanding safety record that the League of Arena Gladiators would love to have!


MS: That would be thirteen sanctioned matches I believe.  Not really what I would consider ‘well over a dozen,’ but I digress.

Tug squinted a bit but offered nothing on this comment.


MS: I have a report that during the third match several orphans from the Brelland War Orphanage were severely burned when a Nordoon player, a Phoenix, was obliterated by a Tuliathun Frost Giant.   It says here that several feathers and a beak went careening into the 3rd row.  One of the feathers landed directly in little orphan Maggie’s green caterpillar soup, which promptly erupted when the phoenix incinerated, sending scalding hot soup over the majority of the orphans in attendance.  In light of this would you say that ScrumBrawl should enact some child safety measures in order to prevent this kind of occurrence from happening in the future?

TP: Clearly this was a unique situation.  However I would like to point out that there is signage in place at all entrances stating that spectators in the first 5 rows are subject to occasional staining and debris.
We do realize of course that something had to be done about this so the next time you attend a ScrumBrawl match you will see that all of the signs have been updated with the newest regulations.


MS: That is indeed good news!  Can you share an example?

TP: Of course!  Let me see… ah here we are.  The existing signs have all been replaced with the following: “Warning, on extremely rare occasions in the past during ScrumBrawl Matches there have been incidents where bloody bits, wayward spells, explosions, eyeballs, livers, spleens, brains, feathers, scales, tails, lava, acid, sharp objects, heavy objects, cursed objects, toenails, tongues, teeth, fangs, stingers, claws, earlobes and other random bits or items may or may not have landed in the lower seating areas.  In the eventuality that something of this nature actually occurs, please feel free to keep anything that lands on you as a souvenir.  In addition because of the rare occurrence of harmful projectiles the ScrumBrawl Gaming Authority recommends that if you are an orphan from the Brelland War Orphanage and are under the age of 5 that you sit no closer than row 4.”

A smug looking Tug held up the text for the new signage proudly after he had read the ‘improved’ text.


MS: Very Interesting.  So, in your estimation Mr. Plumbum, do you feel that this new sign adequately conveys the inherent danger of sitting too close to the arena?

TP: Of course!  The ScrumBrawl matches are actually quite safe and make for good wholesome family entertainment.  I have been to 4 matches myself and I’ve brought my 3 children along each time.


MS: Do you really feel that limiting the warning to the lower 5 rows is going to be enough.  I have 2 incidents right here that occurred beyond the 5th row.  Here, for example, is a complaint lodged by the family of an event vender.  It states that a Mr. Reginald Swinestauffer, a registered sausage vendor, was working an exhibition match in Tuliathu. During the match the Transmuter player was grazed in the head by a musket ball while attempting to turn an opposing Wyvern into a chicken.  The Transmuter became disoriented, spun completely around and fired a broken spell high into the stands hitting Mr. Swinestauffer.  The errant spell transmuted him into a tax collector, complete with several books on the newly enacted Tuliathian tax laws and a large collection box.

TP: I fail to see how that is relevant?


MS: The crowd reacted quite violently to the sudden appearance of a tax collector in the stands. It goes on to say that the victim tried to talk his way out of it but his explanation was so mind numbingly boring and full of legalese that it actually enraged the crowd further.  Mr. Swinestauffer could see that this was going badly and attempted to defend himself with the instructions for single income family tax form TU569-35a but was unable to lift the book with his scrawny tax collector arms. He was then ripped to shreds by the angry spectators!  It took a crew of 5 janitors 3 days to mop up enough of him to bury!

TP: I do admit that that was indeed a horrific and sad event.  It is well known how the Tuliathians feel about taxation.  I would say that had that incident occurred during a sanctioned match here in Cellessia that Mr. Swinestauffer would probably have escaped with a mild stoning.   Hardly a fatality that ScrumBrawl field play could be held responsible for!


MS: I see.  I have another account here that says a Mrs. Harold Winterbottom is pursuing litigation after attending a ScrumBrawl match with her husband and mother.  Apparently they were sitting in the 8th row when a violent collision in the arena between a Basilisk and a Minotaur knocked the Basilisk well up into the stands near where the Winterbottoms were seated.  In the ensuing chaos Mrs. Winterbottom’s mother inadvertently locked eyes with the Basilisk and was subsequently turned to stone.

TP: Ah yes, I remember that clearly.  We credit that incident with driving up attendance by 20% for the remainder of the season!  In addition, family packages were completely sold out by the following week!


MS: So what you’re saying is that this is acceptable?

TP: Of course it is!  In fact I have here a letter that I would like to read you in regards to that very incident.  It was addressed to the ScrumBrawl Gaming Authority by Mr. Harold Winterbottom. 

“To Whom It May Concern, I attended my first ScrumBrawl match yesterday and I want to say it was the most exciting and entertaining event that my family and I have ever attended.  I initially thought that the day was going to be ruined when I found out that my mother-in-law would be attending with my wife and I.  It turns out that having her along made the exciting event even better.   We were close enough to the action that one of the contestants landed right in her lap!   Again, I will be attending each match from now on!  Three cheers for ScrumBrawl!  P.S. All my buddies down at the mill are so jealous that they missed out and have vowed to bring their entire extended families to all future matches!”

 

There were several other incidents that I enquired about but it seems that Tug Plumbum and D.O.N.T.B.O.T.H.E.R. have already moved on to other issues.  I will continue to keep an eye on developments and will have a full report soon.

-Minimus Succubus

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