Tabloids: Creature Feature I - Interview with a Chicken

By Maximus Tuatarasmasher
Posted: May 17, 2011
Published in The Cellessian Times


The ScrumBrawl Chicken: Is the public aspersion of the rooster unwarranted?

Interview with a ChickenCELLESSIA – Since the official street release of ScrumBrawl to the public this spring, the creatures of AvenBrae have received a warm welcome across the gaming community. Rarely do the competitors of the great arena meet anything other than admiring stares from the onlookers with accompanying “they’re gorgeous” and “I love all of the special abilities.”

But without fail, when those same human consumers get their first glance at the Chicken, their response is always the same. “A Chicken?”

The creators of VicTim Games, whose responsibilities included determining the fifty creatures of ScrumBrawl, have endured scathing rebukes at their oversight in allowing a creature as paltry as this pathetic poultry to even enter the rolls of competition with the likes of dragons, liches, minotaurs and demonesses. But perhaps it was no oversight. Indeed, VicTim’s own president, Tim Bugher, was overheard saying, “We included the Chicken as a joke. It’s obviously a throwaway creature, but it is funny to see people’s reaction when they draw the Chicken for the first time.”

So it seems that even the creators of ScrumBrawl have no respect for the Chicken. After a recent ScrumBrawl tournament, in which, coincidentally the Chicken was discarded every game without fail, I snuck into the blood-soaked locker rooms following the final match and cornered the distractible, though thoroughly unruffled bird. The exclusive interview with the Chicken follows.

 

MT: How do you feel that in this last tournament, you were the only creature not to appear in the arena?

Chicken: I find it surprising that my commanders would so readily discard me when I bring so much to the table, talent-wise. I’m certainly the fastest creature on the field, easily able to outpace the human or the unicorn or any of them. I’m frustrated because I have not yet been able to consistently show the world what I am capable of.

 

MT: Have you heard that the creator of ScrumBrawl basically said that you were a joke card? How does that make you feel?

Chicken: Yeah, I have heard. I think it is clear that he is trying to deflect the public criticism and save face by throwing me under the proverbial bus. I don’t recall him saying I was a joke six years ago when I was first summoned for the trials. If I am such a mediocre combatant, how did I make the final cut over other creatures like the Siren or the Dryad or the Demon? I obviously made a good impression on the creators at the outset, even though they feel pressure now to say otherwise.

 

MT: Some of the other players have said that in the past, when you have been in play, you often get distracted and you take a play off here or there. How would you answer them?

Chicken: When you’re as fast as I am, you can afford to take a play off every now and again. With a metabolism as high as I have, sometimes a snack of a worm or a fleck of popcorn will give me the boost of energy I need the next turn to score a goal or take down the Cyclops.

 

MT: That brings up a good point. How can someone, forgive me for saying so, as small as you hope to bring down a giant or a dragon? I mean, how is that even possible?

Chicken: Hey, I’m not the smallest in the game by a long shot! I’m way bigger than both the Leprechaun and the Pixie and I don’t hear either of them getting lambasted in the media like I have. But to answer your question, when you have been around as long as I have been, you pick up a lot of inside information from the other competitors. Every creature has a sweet spot that will bring them down.

 

MT: So where, say, is the sweet spot of a dragon?

Chicken: Do I look that stupid? I’m not going to reveal my secrets… or my sources.

 

MT: Forgive me. I have only one more question and I’ll let you be. If you could tell the public one thing about why you should get more playing time, what would it be?

Chicken: Commanders, give me a chance. I’m in the game for a reason. I’m proud to represent Brelland. I would cross the busiest road for any of my teammates. I will always bring my A-game. And don’t forget… look at my card. See that number by my Movement rating. Six, baby!! Six!!

 

That is a cocksure cock to be sure. And while the public continues to shake its head, or snicker, at the presence of the Chicken, one thing can be assured, joke card or not, the Chicken is an inseparable part of what has made ScrumBrawl such a rousing success.

 

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