Tabloids: Bull Toad Still At Large

Brelland Constable’s Office
Multiple Homicide Investigation #42-2341A
Location: Hall of Druids, Brelland
Subject: Interview with Macabre (she-centaur)

This transcription is provided by the Brelland Constable’s Office: Homicide Division, to be entered as evidence in the pending trial of one Bull Toad. Unauthorized distribution of material evidence is punishable by a fine of up to fifty (50) gold pieces and/or a term of no longer than 10 seasons in the Druidic Oubliette.


Fabiaus Flaån (FF
): For the record, please state your name, your Tribe, your race and gender.

Macabre (M): I am Macabre, a she-centaur of the Tribe of Brelland.


FF: As you know, I am interviewing you in connection with the disappearance and apparent homicide of your former employer Haumklub Sammich. What was your relationship with the deceased?

M: I was Haumklub’s stenographer. I was hired six moons ago to assist him with interviewing Brellandian candidates for ScrumBrawl. As you’ll recall, the sphinx-queen from Cellessia sent out the announcement inviting all of the tribes to send their best representatives to the games.

Haumklub had set up a vigorous interview schedule that first moon and I sat alongside him making notes of the interviews for later analysis.


FF: And what was Haumklub’s race?

M: Oh, he was a pig… or a Battle Swine, he would call himself.


FF: Please share, for the record, what you remember from the last set of interviews before Haumklub’s disappearance.

M: As a centaur, I have perfect recollection of the events and will tell you exactly what happened.

To set the scene, Haumklub was concluding an interview with a particularly sour-looking bug. “Thanks for your time, Mister …er… Deathfanged Butterfly,” he said.

“MOTH! I am Mister Deathfanged Moth! I’m not some stupid looking butterfly with pretty purple and alabaster daisy patterns on my wings! I have large bulging eye spots dripping with blood, thank you very much!”

Haumklub looked quite taken aback. “Oh dear… I’m terribly sorry. Macabre, please note his correct appellation. We will be in touch with you, sir. Now if you would please return to the lobby so the receptionist can send in the next applicant.”

I remember the moth fluttered up haughtily, bounced off the dome light in the ceiling a few times, and then finally went out the door. A few moments later, a gigantic stone-skinned bull toad squeezed through the door and lumbered to the seat just vacated by the moth. He sat down, completely smashing the chair but seemed unaware of it and comfortably sat on the poor furniture’s remains.

Over the shock of the appearance of this menacing creature, I looked over to Haumklub who seemed as equally baffled as I. We both looked at our appointment logs, scratching our heads.

Haumklub then looked to the Bull Toad. “Did you happen to see anyone else in the waiting room? I don’t seem to have you on my schedule for today.”

The Bull Toad opened up his hideous mouth and expelled a cloud of swamp gas into the room. “Really? That’s odd. There was no one else out there.”

“Indeed?” Haumklub said, looking perplexed. Well, then, Mr….”

“Bull Toad.”

“Well, let’s see here. Mr. Bull Toad, as you probably already know, we’re looking for the finest warrior athletes in Brelland to send to the Cellessian Arena for the upcoming games. Can you tell me more about yourself and why you think you would be a good candidate.”

The Bull Toad cleared his throat and began. “I spent pretty much all of my developing years in a small pond a few hundred miles from here. As I grew, I ran out of siblings to eat and so I had to move—”

Haumklub interrupted the toad. “You ate your siblings? Was this upsetting to the other members of the family?”

“Not at all. All my former brothers and sisters were doing it as well. I mean one time, one of my sisters actually tried to eat me while I was sleeping off a particularly large lunch. As you can imagine, I couldn’t put up with that so I went ahead and ate her, even though I wasn’t really hungry. BUUURRRRPP!”

“Oh my! It appears as if you might have some coxa and trochanter there in your teeth.”

The bull toad’s eyes widened. “What? How embarrassing! I had a quick snack while I was waiting. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” Haumklub said. “We know the auditions can be somewhat nerve-wracking. That’s why we provided the finger food out there: crackers, cheeses and such.”

“Absolutely, I was particularly fond of the pixie, the hook raven and the giant wasp. The wasp legs were scrumptious, perfectly accompanied by the pixie dust. The butterfly proved a perfect dessert.”

“Moth,” Haumklub gasped, eyes as big as saucers. “That was not a butterfly… it was a moth.” As I looked at my crestfallen employer he turned to me and whispered, “Remind me not to reschedule interviews with the pixies, hook ravens and giant wasps.”


FF: Before you go any further, the Bull Toad is from Nordoon, isn’t it? He’s not of the races of Brelland. He shouldn’t have even been at that interview.

M: We were not aware of that at the time so we proceeded as though it were just another applicant. It wasn’t until near the end that the Bull Toad was bragging about the time he managed to swallow a gargoyle whole that we suspected the toad might have been a foreigner.


FF: So how did the interview conclude?

M: Well, Haumklub asked him what part of Brelland he was from again and the Bull Toad just looked at him. I thought I could hear the Toad mumbling something that sounded like, “Bacon….” I could sense a building tension in the room and Haumklub scribbled a note on his tablet and handed it to me. “Notify security,” it said. I loped into the lobby to hand the note to the receptionist and noticed her empty chair was coated in saliva, and then when I went back into the interview room, Haumklub and the toad were both gone, though the floor was covered in DNA.


FF: Yes, our forensic investigators did find large amounts of Diabolically Noxious Agents at the scene. We’re having them lab-tested now to determine how many of our myriad missing creature cases we can close.


Posted by Detective Fabiaus Flaån (satyr)

 

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